Smash the Binary, Save the Sex Drive
A Shame Detox for Your Search Bar
Let’s play a game.
Imagine your sex life… without gender roles.
No “be the good girl.”
No “man up and make a move.”
No scripts. No expectations. No performance reviews from the ghost of your high school health teacher.
Sounds hot, right?
Because here’s the scoop: if your sex drive’s been feeling off, inconsistent, or completely MIA, it might not be a hormone issue, but instead it could be a role issue.
You might be turned off because you’re stuck in a script that was written for someone else. And that someone else was probably a straight white dude with control issues.
Gender Isn’t the Problem. The Binary Is.
Gender exploration is absolutely beautiful.
And rigid gender roles? Boner killers.
The binary we’ve all been force-fed, this “masculine = dominant, feminine = submissive” narrative, is complete erotic quicksand. It traps people in roles that have nothing to do with actual arousal and everything to do with social compliance.
If you’ve ever felt turned on until someone called you a “good girl,” or been expected to “take charge” in a way that felt like cosplay instead of desire, then congrats, you’ve already met the villain in today’s story.
How Gender Roles Hijacked Desire
P.S. That’s No Accident
Once upon a time, certain people decided:
- Vulvas = morally suspicious, emotionally unstable, built for compliance
- Penises = rational, powerful, in charge of everything (including said vulvas)
The result ended up being a centuries-long kink-shaming campaign disguised as “order.”
We’re talking:
- Purity culture that said submissive = holy (but also dirty if enjoyed)
- Victorian ideals that turned emotional expression into diagnosis
- Heteronormative dating scripts that required men to pursue and women to yield
- And porn categories that still assume "dominant = male," "submissive = fragile baby deer"
And let’s not forget the weirdest ancient gem: some cultures believed vulvas could ward off evil spirits. You know, because pleasure and power were seen as dangerous. (We love a historically accurate vagina-based force field.)
Gender Roles Don’t Just Fuck Up Straight People
You don’t have to be straight to be trapped in a gender role.
The binary is a social construction. AKA a very loud group project that nobody consented to. And it gets handed out like a script, no matter your identity.
Queer folks? We’re not immune.
In fact, some of us end up reenacting those same heteronormative power dynamics without realizing it.
You know the vibe:
- “Who’s the man in the relationship?”
- “Top = always in charge, bottom = always submissive.”
- “Femmes are soft, masc folks don’t cry, and nonbinary people are supposed to be neutral or mystical or some shit.”
These are not truths. They’re Pinterest-board-level bullshit repackaged as sexual wisdom.
And the result? Even in queer spaces, people feel pressure to perform their queerness “correctly.”
To match energy in a way that looks legible to the outside world instead of authentic to the inside body.
And when roles get rigid, even in the name of pride, they start to choke the very freedom we came out for.
So if you’ve ever felt boxed in within your queer relationship, like you’re being typecast in a dynamic that’s more “aesthetic” than erotic? That’s the binary being sneaky.
And it’s okay to say no thank you to roles that don’t serve you, even (and especially) in queer love.
When Submission Felt Like a Cage (Until It Didn’t)
Back in my early exploration of dominance and submission, I had a partner who was very submissive, and not in a “let’s play with power” way. More in a “please make all the decisions because I refuse to have preferences” way.
That dynamic shoved me into the role of the dominant one, even though that never turned me on. It felt like pressure and performance and like I had to carry the entire encounter while pretending to enjoy it. (Spoiler: I did not.) He said to me multiple times how his fantasy was to have a woman dominate him, even though I tried to be very clear in explaining to him that the type of fantasy he was describing was the complete opposite of what I was turned on by.
My libido? Vanished.
My arousal? Checked out.
My inner monologue? “This is so fucking boring.”
It wasn’t until I got into a truly safe, supportive relationship that I got to explore my version of submission, and what I found surprised the hell out of me.
I wasn’t turned on by obedience.
I was turned on by surrender.
The softness, the letting go, the invitation to feel instead of perform.
I didn’t want to be controlled. I wanted to choose to let go.
And that changed everything.
Because for the first time, I wasn’t being placed in a role. I was being met. I began to realize that the old partner who wanted me to dominate even though that wasn’t my jam was attempting to control my sex drive by continuously trying to convince me to fulfill his sexual fantasy even after I said no multiple times in multiple ways. Not only was I being placed in a sexual role that wasn’t suitable for me, but I was also dealing with my consent being violated through coercive language.
Rewiring the Erotic Brain: Why Scripts = Shutdown
The brain loves novelty, curiosity, and permission.
But shame? Scripts? Gender performance? That shit lights up your amygdala like a shame disco ball.
(Interested in learning more about the amygdala? Check out the Untamed Ember podcast episodes 9 & 10)
When we perform roles that don’t feel safe or aligned, the nervous system says, “This is not pleasure. This is survival.”
And you can’t orgasm from the survival zone, babe. That’s just how biology works.
Luckily, your brain is neuroplastic. That means you can retrain it to associate desire with safety, curiosity, and actual turn-ons—not cultural compliance or emotional caretaking.
How to Break the Binary Without Breaking Your Brain
Here’s your deep dive in practice for the week:
🔥 Ditch the “shoulds.” If your desire doesn’t match the role you think you’re supposed to play? That’s not dysfunction. That’s clarity.
🔥 Play with new dynamics. Try curiosity instead of categories. Surrender instead of scripts. Explore without labeling every sensation “dominant” or “submissive.”
🔥 Build erotic agency—not approval. What turns you on isn’t a performance. It’s a pattern of safety, attunement, and joy. Find it. Protect it. Trust it.
Your Turn-On Doesn’t Fit in a Box. Smash the Box.
Your pleasure isn’t broken.
Your libido isn’t lazy.
You’re not “confused” or “too much” or “too sensitive.”
You’re just waking up to the fact that the binary was never built for your brilliance.
So go ahead and smash the roles, ditch the scripts, and get curious as hell about what your body wants when no one’s assigning you a part to play.
This week in The Ember Vault, we’re diving deep into gender, power, and erotic truth. Grab this week’s worksheet and explore how your nervous system has been conditioned by roles that never fit.
🎧 And don’t miss the podcast episode—where we talk vulva force fields, performative dom energy, and why surrender isn’t the same as submission.
